I’ve been in this deep funk for months. Silent. Worried. Coping. Afraid. Still.

It’s like the world has sort of stood still for me, only not. I’ve been so afraid for my parents. So worried for my siblings.

Fast forward …

I was up late a few nights back, just jammin’ on my guitar (i suck) when I saw an update from the baxter’s over at ohana … it was about their pops. My heart had already been aching, but now … I could actually feel it breaking. Their family has also been going through something so heart wrenching, that you just want to …

Scream. Shout. Cry. Hide.

You can read their post here, if you like … http://sdohana.blogspot.com/2010/01/ucsd-medical-center.html

I cried. Tears that had been bottled up finally came pouring out. It felt so good and so bad … all at the same time. My heart was hurting … hurting for them … hurting for me. I tried so hard to stay positive about my mom, and all that she was going through … but I was scared. I used to be this really emotional girl … but life has hardened me … I don’t want to be vulnerable, so I have learned to bottle it all up and shove it aside. I put on a brace face and greet the world every day. After reading through their post, their words, the emotion … and all the while listening to some really heavy, soulful music, the tears just streamed down my face.  I related … because I was just there … in that place … wondering what the next ring of the phone would be for. Nervous to answer. Afraid of what the other end will say. It’s rough.

Now, rewind back a few days ++

I got a conference call via Skype — dad, brothers, and sister — mom was medevaced to Anchorage.  My heart sank. She was having chest pains, and spells where she couldn’t catch her breath, and so they took her away on a lear jet. I heard what my dad said … more tests … more doctors. It’s scary. It’s scarier when you’re thousands of miles away and can’t do a darn thing … can’t read emotion … can’t feel the mood of the room … can’t be with those you love. Anything can happen, at any moment … and that really, really hit home for me.

While waiting … waiting for test results, to find out why … to find out what happened … is when I read ohana’s blog post …

I was broken …

It’s been about a week, and her test results are in — doc says her heart is healthy, stress test looked good, so she’s in the clear … I pray it stays that way. Thank you, God! I’m not ready to be without my mom … not sure if I ever will be.

I also pray for pops, though I don’t know him … I can relate to how their family might be feeling. My thoughts and prayers are with them, with pops, with my mom.

– jaime

p.s. since I’ve never posted w/o a photo … here’s one of my mom with Rhybug