It’s like the world has sort of stood still for me, only not. I’ve been so afraid for my parents. So worried for my siblings.
Fast forward …
I was up late a few nights back, just jammin’ on my guitar (i suck) when I saw an update from the baxter’s over at ohana … it was about their pops. My heart had already been aching, but now … I could actually feel it breaking. Their family has also been going through something so heart wrenching, that you just want to …
Scream. Shout. Cry. Hide.
You can read their post here, if you like … http://sdohana.blogspot.com/2010/01/ucsd-medical-center.html
I cried. Tears that had been bottled up finally came pouring out. It felt so good and so bad … all at the same time. My heart was hurting … hurting for them … hurting for me. I tried so hard to stay positive about my mom, and all that she was going through … but I was scared. I used to be this really emotional girl … but life has hardened me … I don’t want to be vulnerable, so I have learned to bottle it all up and shove it aside. I put on a brace face and greet the world every day. After reading through their post, their words, the emotion … and all the while listening to some really heavy, soulful music, the tears just streamed down my face. I related … because I was just there … in that place … wondering what the next ring of the phone would be for. Nervous to answer. Afraid of what the other end will say. It’s rough.
Now, rewind back a few days ++
I got a conference call via Skype — dad, brothers, and sister — mom was medevaced to Anchorage. My heart sank. She was having chest pains, and spells where she couldn’t catch her breath, and so they took her away on a lear jet. I heard what my dad said … more tests … more doctors. It’s scary. It’s scarier when you’re thousands of miles away and can’t do a darn thing … can’t read emotion … can’t feel the mood of the room … can’t be with those you love. Anything can happen, at any moment … and that really, really hit home for me.
While waiting … waiting for test results, to find out why … to find out what happened … is when I read ohana’s blog post …
I was broken …
It’s been about a week, and her test results are in — doc says her heart is healthy, stress test looked good, so she’s in the clear … I pray it stays that way. Thank you, God! I’m not ready to be without my mom … not sure if I ever will be.
I also pray for pops, though I don’t know him … I can relate to how their family might be feeling. My thoughts and prayers are with them, with pops, with my mom.
– jaime
p.s. since I’ve never posted w/o a photo … here’s one of my mom with Rhybug
